


One Second

by RaeC



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-08-13
Updated: 2000-08-13
Packaged: 2017-11-10 13:24:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/466782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaeC/pseuds/RaeC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some lessons are just too painful to learn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Promise Me

Silence. 

Time stopped for but an instant, its passengers frozen in a horrible tableau. Then with his fingers losing hold of the gun, the wheel lurched into movement. The weapon hit the bright carpet, an acid stain spoiling its beauty. Pain exploded brightly in Daniel as Sha're's soul fell free of Ammonet. 

Sha're glanced back as she fell, sorrow filled the sad space, hoping she had done enough. She could feel the life leaching slowly out of her body, yet the pain was all emotional. It was all she could do to reach toward her Daniel. It was her last act alive, adding only a few simple words. 

'I love you' hung in the air not really expecting any response, but the hope that lay embedded in those words ripped at Daniel's heart. Reaching over to close the dark eyes that once were so full of life, full of love, Daniel sent his wife to the otherworld with the words she had longed to hear. 

Jack turned, and walked out. Daniel had never seen him enter. 

"I am sorry, DanielJackson." Daniel heard the words, but at the moment all he could feel were the twin pains of two beginnings ending at the same time; Sha're, his wife, the first serious relationship of his life and his hopes for a future...with Jack. 

A brief flash of hurt had crossed Jack's face before he closed himself off and that was the image embedded in Daniel's mind. He rolled over onto his back. He wanted desperately to take back those last few words. Wanted to make Jack understand 'why'. But that was the rub, wasn't it? Jack didn't know Daniel wanted him. Didn't know Daniel needed him. Know that Daniel was 'in love' with him. 

On autopilot Daniel responded to those surrounding him, not really sure what he said. Whatever it was, it seemed to satisfy his team-mates. Just not the cold emptiness invading his heart. Listlessly, he arrived back at the base and filled out the endless forms that always seemed to follow a mission. Then he headed off to the showers when he was sure everyone else was gone. 

Numb. 

Scared. 

Alone. 

'Promise me...', she had said. 

Daniel turned the water on and stepped into the scalding heat. What had he done? Why had Sha're chosen those exact words? In the blink of an eye his world had ended. Teal'c had had no choice, but that didn't stop the pain. Yet Sha're taught him in that split second how to feel the pain without letting his anger take control. Necessary closure. 

'Oh god, she knew!' Daniel fell to the floor of the shower stall, weeping bitterly. He'd never wanted her to know. Never wanted Sha're to know that his feelings were never stronger than fondness. 

A harsh, angered cry echoed throughout the locker room. In her last moments, Sha're had given him something precious, something he could never repay, the full force of her love. Healed a wound before it could fester and given Daniel a reason to live in the process. 

'Promise me...' Sha're had implored, because without Jack, Daniel didn't *want* to live. And Daniel always kept his promises, even those made without his knowledge or consent. 

Laughing cruelly, his last thought as Jack and Teal'c rushed in was...'obligations, what a bitch.' 


	2. Visions of Futures Past

Daniel stood in the control room, his hands in his pockets. He couldn't sleep, his mind fraught with images of his latest mission. The solitude of the centre had drawn him, beckoning him with its silence. The computer lights blinked rapidly, their colours dancing across his face as he stared out at the gate lost in thought.

He was pathetic. The first person to show him kindness, human warmth, and he gave into the need. A need that called to be fulfilled to balance the anger which was his constant companion these days. Anger that sprouted from the promise he made that wouldn't allow him the relief of escape to Abydos, or a desert here on Earth. The anger that flared when Jack walked into a room. Jack resented him, and he resented Jack.

Anger was something Daniel was familiar with, this hope was something that he was not. Strange how this one little woman had drawn his gaze. She had made him feel alive. Challenged him. Her innocence called to him, wanting an expression of his own. Wanted that promise of forgetfulness. Even if just for a short time.

Wanted to forget the pain of seeing his friendship with Jack slowly ebb away, day by day. Wanted what Linea had found. The bliss that comes with being able to forget your own crimes. She had that right, this girl who had followed them through the gate. Even Jack couldn't take that away. Yet one more nail in the coffin of their friendship.

Was it too much to ask to slip behind that veil? Slip beneath the radar and leave behind the pain? The temptation was overwhelming. But he had made a promise.

A child.

He had wanted children, once long ago. So what if the Harcesis wasn't his own. It was a part of his past, of his wife. He owed it to her and maybe to himself. He could slip back in time, into the time before Jack and raise this child as his own. And be happy. Not have lost the most precious dream of his life.

Angry. Jack was always angry now. Didn't he understand? Or maybe Jack understood all to well. Maybe Jack did read the secret desire he harboured to wipe the slate clean. Wipe out the last three years as if they didn't even exist.

But that would mean giving up all the little touches, the hidden smiles. The remembrances. Jack saving him from the sarcophagus. Jack hugging him and calling him 'Space Monkey'. Those intimate moments scattered throughout the last years, too afraid to say how much they meant to himself. That he treasured them because they were so few and far between. Was he, Daniel, prepared to give them all up to kill the pain he felt now?

No.

They were visions of a future already past, but just knowing the possibility existed was enough for now. Daniel clung to them, using them to ride out the next wave of regret. Out there, somewhere in an alternate reality, there was a Daniel happy with his Jack. A Daniel who had made the right choices because of the failure of his own. And his heart felt lighter at the prospect.

This Linea had the chance to live her life over again. She had found the innocence she long ago lost. And when Daniel kissed her, he had sent all hopes of forgetting with her.

~~<<->>~~

Jack stood at the threshold of the control room watching Daniel. His friend. He had no claim on the man other than that. Had to remember that Daniel was his friend. Loved his wife. Heard the words himself. He was suffering. Yet...

Why her, Daniel? Sha're's body isn't even cold in the grave. Why, out of all the people in the universe, did you pick Linea? Someone who destroys life? Why not me?

Jack turned on his heel and stalked away.


	3. Little Wars

Daniel leaned heavily on the prison bars. Well? What did he expect? For Jack to suddenly forgive him? And now...here they were. Deja vu'. In yet another prison, in another time, only this time Jack wasn't too keen on staying close. He glanced over toward Sam where she held her father in her arms.

They were talking quietly, Martouf close, asking questions, as the three of them spoke together. They were planning strategy, relaying information, working on the latest battle in their little war.

Daniel barked harshly at his own joke. 'Little war', now that was funny. His whole life had been a series of little wars, sometimes on a real battlefield, but more often of late in his mind. Half afraid to touch, afraid to go forward and afraid to go back. A war being fought on three fronts.

A dejected sigh escaped. 'I'm so tired of this bullshit.' One chance, that's all he asked, just one chance. He missed the closeness he had had with jack, but the friendship could be salvaged, right?

The clang of the metal doors startled Daniel out of his morbid thoughts. He looked up into the mad eyes of Aphosis, shuddering. Who was next? Where was Jack?

Jack landed nest to him, totally unaware of the world around him. The guards pushed forward into the cell with Aphosis grabbing Martouf and hauling him off. For one second, Daniel had thought it would be him, but with an evil, promising grin, Aphosis left. And Daniel heard the words that smile harboured; 'You don't have a lot of time. Us it wisely. It will be the last, Daniel Jackson. Then you *will* be MINE.'

There was death written into that smile. A death filled with the promise of pain. Aphosis hadn't forgotten. He knew about Ammonet. The only question Daniel had was, did Aphosis think he killed her? Did it really matter in the long run?

A flash of blue and gold rounding the corner ended Daniel's speculation for the near future. Whatever, he knew it would not be...pleasant. Grimacing, Daniel turned toward Jack.

Marred as he was, Jack still drew him. His fingers itched to caress the greying hair, to affirm with touch what his eyes relayed; Jack alive and breathing. His hand hovered in the air at a moan from Jack, before sliding down to gently touch his shoulder.

"Jack." The heat of that simple movement tingled in his fingers, raced up his arm and struck straight into his soul. He could almost taste the pain pouring off the limp body laying next to him, the salt caked on his skin from feverish sweating.

"No, I don't wanna go to school." Brown eyes slid open to reveal a depth of pain more than just physical as Jack brushed his hand away. 'Don't Daniel. Just don't, okay?' Jack silently implored. His shoulder throbbed in time with his head and the ground wasn't exactly soft. "Yeah?"

'Same old Jack. Sarcasm at its finest.' Daniel missed the silent plea, instead mourning the loss of contact. Jack was always pushing him away, either with words or his body. He looked away, sinking back against the bars. Barely tolerated his presence when they arrived on Netu. It was like after Abydos all over again, earning Jack's respect. Being in the way of what Jack really wanted, like Skaara. At least the heat of the brief touch remained, and Daniel clung to its warmth against the chill in the room.

"Ow...oh." Jack gently inched back against the bars next to Daniel and felt every one of his years. His head spun imitating a jack-knifed truck crashing down the highway on its way over the cliff. 'Give it a rest, Daniel. You don't give a shit about me.'

"You okay?"

"No." The concern in Daniel's voice irritated Jack's abused nerves. 'I feel like I've been through the ringer. How do you think I feel?'

"They, ah, they took Martouf."

Jack stared out into the prison hallway, the pain rising again. 'Just talk about what happened, Jack. You don't hear the hope in Daniel's voice.' Thinking about 'why' would hurt too much. "They put that damn memory thing on me." Jack paused for a minute, working hard to remember what he had said at the time. "And then they gave me something that reminded me of the '70s." Jack furled his eyebrows working hard to solve this latest mystery. 'Why Daniel? What's going on here? Why aren't you on the other side of the room or something?'

"The Blood of Sokar."

"Daniel..." Pain rocked his temples, pulling him toward the bliss of darkness.

"Yeah?" Daniel wanted to do *something*. 'Anything Jack. What do you need?'

"I'm gonna pass out again." Yet another silent plea...'Catch me.'

This time Daniel heard.

~~~

Little wars, not merely a battle drawn, played, and then won or lost, but many infinitesimal battles raging on several fronts until one comes out the victor. And this was only the first of many battles yet to come.


	4. Saving Grace

Shadows.

Stalking...slithering. Sliding upon walls and floors. Slinking its way to the waiting occupant on the bed. A fine sheen broke out on his brow as the man sensed the wraith drawing ever nearer, closer, his warm breath drank greedily from the frigid air. Winding streams of black ink covered the sleeping prey, feeding insatiably on his fear. Sweat poured from his body adding yet another layer of moisture to the soaked bedding. Tangled in the web of cotton, the man struggled to release his bonds, to awake from the nightly torment.

The shadow walker's touch chilled upon contact. Its icy flesh making the golden form gasp and writhe with desire and pain. Its caress, bliss bestowed from fevered dreams, from the nightly walks.

"Mine." The word froze all movement in the room. The man's body craved the bite of winter, anything to silence the need blazing in his heart. Wanting more of the icy touch to quell burning within. Something that would allow just one more day. Just one more day without the hunger shining brightly from his eyes. To hide that which *must* be hidden at all costs.

"Dream." Helpless against the tide of blind hunger invested in that command, Daniel awoke...screaming.

~~~

His hands shaking, Daniel crawled free from the sheets. Still in the grip of the nightmare, he could feel the hard casing of alien design enveloping his body as he hung from the rafters of level 23. See the shadowy thoughts of his tormentor as his evil benefactor touched Jack in ways that Daniel could only dream. See the shudder run through Jack's body as he helplessly laid in the grip of the sedative with no control over his own responses. Hear the voice mocking him in his mind as the alien taunted him with visions of what he could never have.

"See how he leans into *my* touch. How much your friend wants *me*." An alien hand ghosted over Jack's groin, stroking the rising hardness. Nimble fingers reaching beneath the waist band of his BDU's, claiming hardened flesh and bringing Jack to completion with a contented sigh.

Daniel couldn't shake the dark, slimy voice from his mind. The invading tentacles searching for yet another foothold into his mind. Seeking the hidden pathways to the desires he hid from even himself. Jealously, he hoarded the memory of Jack's smiles, his fond embraces, the caring he showed on infrequent occasions against the relentless invader. Using them to block the bitterness eating at his soul.

"It wasn't me. It wasn't me." Daniel chanted over and over. Jack would never forgive him the trespass should he ever find out. He squelched the insipid desire to hold that memory for himself before it could take up residence. It was too close to his own desires for comfort.

Stumbling in the half lit shadows, Daniel reached the kitchen and gulped water straight from his hands. The liquid splashed across the sink, onto the floor, and further soaked his already damp pajamas. Daniel didn't care.

A passing car blinded him with its lights through the open curtains. "I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake." He chanted over and over. He stumbled about out of the kitchen, collapsing onto his sofa with a grunt. This dream had to end. Two weeks was more than enough. It had got to the point where he was afraid to fall asleep at night. He had to get a handle on his emotions.

'Oh hell, as long as I'm awake.' Daniel rose turning on the lights in each room to chase away the encroaching night. The apartment ablaze with florescent, he dressed quickly and headed out the door for the base. There were several reports and artifacts awaiting his carefully detailed eye. Anything to keep the sound of post coital sighs from filling his ears.

~~~

The comforting signs of dusty figures, cluttered shelves, and a paper filled desk greeted Daniel as he drifted into the room. The edge leftover from the nightmare finally lifted and Daniel relaxed for the first time in days. He fell into the past with gusto, there being little to fear from the leftovers of the ancients.

So it really shouldn't have been such a surprise when his head fell forward onto his desk, sound asleep within seconds. But it was. Only, as usual, Daniel couldn't escape. Daniel should have known better, should have known he wouldn't be free, but he couldn't stop the drama as it played itself out. Should have kept his guard up and not fallen asleep.

Deja vu'.

~~~

The comforting signs of dusty figures, cluttered shelves, and a paper filled desk greeted Daniel as he drifted into the room. The edge leftover from the nightmare finally lifted and Daniel relaxed for the first time in days. He fell into the past with gusto, there being little to fear from his memories of Sha're.

"Daniel?"

The voice startled Daniel from his reflections back into the present. 'Jack. Right.' He looked up.

"Hey, just wanted to see how you are doing."

'Doing? I'm fine. Just slowly going insane. You?' Daniel fumbled with the basket on the counter. "Good." What to say now. Nothing was as it should be. "Okay." A voice whispered in his head. 'He's yours, Dani'el. Take what you need.' The lisping baritone filling him with heat. He started pulling things from the basket to keep his trembling to a minimum.

"We both drank from this cup at our wedding. I know I shouldn't have had any real hope, but...uh..." Daniel looked away, the hunger invaded turning his eyes dark as midnight.

"Hey. You *never* give up." Jack, his eyes never leaving Daniel's face, inched closer. Daniel wanted to move away, put as much distance between himself and Jack as he could in the small room. From where he stood now, he could feel the heat of Jack's body and it rooted him to the floor.

A sad, rueful smile drifted across Daniel's face. "How about now?"

"*Especially* not now." And with one step, Jack was in his space. There was something dark and frightening living in the face before him. Something which screamed at Daniel to run away, yet he couldn't. He was caught in this web of the past/present. A dream morphing reality with his desires.

"You want me."

"Yes." He couldn't deny it, even knowing this wasn't Jack, nothing but a shade using a beloved form to fill its own depraved wants. At the moment, Daniel couldn't find it within himself to care. He grabbed the being before him kissing deeply, drinking from warm depths. Seeking some strange forgiveness from a creature who couldn't care less. Drowning in the sensations of allowing his own body free reign. Sinking into the feel of heat, the male form, nothing soft or loving or gentle. Pressing against the hard length. Giving his body and soul over to the brutal, mind numbing coupling that spoke more of obsession than tender desire. Want for want. Need for need. Tear for tear. Hunger for hunger.

Blood for blood.

~~~

Leaving the shower and heading to his office, Jack had been surprised to see the light from underneath Daniel's door. The archaeologist wasn't due in until tomorrow. Sounds of harsh, embittered breathing greeted his ear as he pressed it against the door. He knocked.

"Daniel?" His summons went unanswered. The noise from within grew louder, darker. "Daniel." Still no response. Jack opened the door. Daniel lay with his head barely on the desk, his fingers crushing the papers scattered across the metal top. He thrashed in the grip of a dream, moaning with want and his face frozen in a horrifying grimace at the same time.

"Daniel!"

The resonant voice broke the bonds of the dreamscape, shocking Daniel back into reality. He lifted his head, his eyes trying desperately to focus as confusion took hold. "Jack?"

"You been here all night?" Jack took a step in Daniel's direction.

Panting heavily, Daniel scrubbed at his face, using the time to get a hold of his emotions. A mumbled 'yeah' slipped between his fingers.

"You look like shit." Jack regarded him with barely disguised concern. Dark circles ringed Daniel's eyes.

"Yeah, well." Daniel shrugged his shoulders.

"You okay?"

Daniel rose from his desk and crossed to the other side of the room. He started fussing with the papers on the counter to put space between them.

The dreams were getting worse. Even second he spent in Jack's presence made them more real, more explicit. He couldn't be in the same room without wanting to touch him, to add to the sense memories. It had been pure hell sitting next to Jack all throughout Skaara's trial. If he hadn't had that distraction, knowing that he held the boy's life in his hands, knowing that Jack needed him to focus, it would have been all over.

"Anything you want to talk about," Jack asked, watching the play of emotions rush over Daniel's face as he settled against the wall.

"Just need to get some sleep." Daniel muttered.

'Yeah, about two years worth, Daniel. What the hell is going on?' Jack continued to wait, letting the silence speak for him.

Daniel nervously hedged around him. "I think I'll just..." Daniel tossed a thumb over his shoulder. "See you tomorrow."

Daniel's eyes begged for him to let it go. To just drop it. You don't *want* to know. Leave it alone. 'Time...I just need time, Jack.'

"Uh, sure." The pure force of the apathy filling the room left Jack shivering in its wake.

"Later."

"Daniel?" Jack tried one more time.

Daniel stopped, his back to Jack. "Yeah."

"You've got my number. I'll be at the base all day."

"Sure."

Jack watched the hunched figure of his friend drift through the corridor. There was an emptiness that settled about the SGC. A cold chill hovered along the hallways which even layers of clothing couldn't escape. Mournful echoes befalling its grey passageways as the beings scurried about in the day.

The passion with which Daniel Jackson had lived his life, was gone. And Jack had no idea how to help him reclaim it.

~~~

Daniel awoke, sweat covering every inch of his body, a scream of terror lodged in his throat. The shadows edged in, inching closer and closer to his bed. The promise offered from his torment imbued in its cutting embrace. All he had to do was let go, give in to the fear rising, and let the creature feed off the warmth of his body.

There was one saving grace in this continuing nightmare, at least in the darkness, the emptiness was filled with a blistering cold...relief.

~~~

Desire  
A simple wanting tread upon a road less travelled  
A disease that strikes with the hand of a lover  
Left to die  
Lost in the haze of temperance  
Shelter sought from the descending raging storm.  
To seek no more  
For that which had no purpose among the stars.  
Alone with only ones self to blame.

Denial  
There is relief cradled in its silence.


	5. Parting Stilled Waters

Part One - Hope

~~~

Hope, it's a rather strange emotion, one that is both blessing and bane.

On one hand, having hope can carry you through the darkest of dreams. Give you strength and courage where none existed before. Provide a light at the end of the tunnel, leaving you with something worth fighting for, believing in. Waiting there, just on the other side for you walk through the front door. It's just a case of mind over matter. Put one foot in front of the other. Can you do the time? All you have to do is 'believe'.

On the other hand, hope can stifle you to an empty existence waiting for something that can never be. You hang onto it hard and fast; its taste so sharp, bright, and tantalizing. Living for hope and hope alone. Thinking all you have to do is keep the faith strong. Hang on tight, fearful that if you let go, everything you've ever known would fade away...change...leave you lost and alone. You keep hanging on...waiting, waiting, waiting until the day you can wait no more. You have to accept, come to terms with the truth in front of you...there was no way home.

And now...if there was...do you really want to?

~~~

"Going somewhere with that stuff?" Jack paused in the act of sharpening the axe, slightly concerned. 'What was Lera doing with his gear?'

"I just thought you might not need these things anymore." The petite woman waited, hoped, this wouldn't be too difficult. The hundred days was at an end. The time for mourning complete. The time for living now. Beyond time to put the past behind. Save the good memories for nights sitting before the fire.

Time to blunt the painful edges. And even more to skim the jagged open holes that relics of a past life reminded one of in the oddest moments. Momentos were for people who had the time to wallow in their grief. Oh yes, she understood. Too well.

"Well hang on, some of that's pretty good..." He fingered the olive green material, fond memories assaulting him. "The jacket is..uh..." The small smile which played at the corners of his mouth, fell.

"Does it remind you of home?" She tried so hard to be gentle. She had shown Jack that life could be good here. He would have a home, a life. 'If' he took a chance. 'Look at *me*, Jack. I'm here, right in front of you. The past is done.'

Jack read the truth on display in her soft grey eyes, in the tilt of her sun kissed, wavy hair. Heard them in the words she had spoken not so long ago...

'I mourned my husband for a hundred days. I never left my house. I never spoke to anyone.'

'After that?' He had really wanted to know at the time. Now that simple question haunted him.

'I left my house. And I spoke to people.'

Those matter of fact words, spoken so softly and without the bitter tang of remorse that seemed to cover his own days. As simple as her people, her way of life. Maybe her was best. "Toss it."

Time blunts all things, if you allow it too. He *could* do this. 'Goodbye.'

"Are you sure?" Yes, it was time.

Jack understood too. Too well.

~~~

A strange sort of peace came with his decision today. Calm settled over him. Relief. Now the past and all the hopes it held, was just that...the past. Not that he would hurt any less. It was a pain that would be his forever. How had Daniel done this? How had he walked away from everything he had known, given it all up for a woman he didn't even know?

Jack glanced over at Lera starting dinner at the stove. 'At least I know her. Her heart.' She was caring, strong, passionate, and loving. A good woman.

It'd been three months and nothing; no word from the other side. Did they even know he was alive? Had they given up? The Gate was buried somewhere in that damn trench created by the Fire Rain. How far down, he had no idea. And once he found it, would it be in one piece? A huge melted hunk o' junk?

Without the iris code, what use would finding the Gate be anyway?

He could either get on with the business of living or he could get on with business of dying. It was 'okay' to find some happiness. Let go of dreams of things that could never be. Have the love of a good woman. And Lera *was* a good woman.

Nervously, Lera settled next to Jack as he spun tales of his home.

"Curling, big where my grandfather's from in...uh...northern Minnesota. Throw big, round, kinda slab of rock down this slab of ice, uh... and sweep..." Something wasn't right. Not a smile or chuckle. Jack leaned closer. "What?"

"When I was taking your things away today, I thought I heard a sound come from this." This is what she had feared most, losing him just as she had found him. Lera held the radio out to Jack. "Perhaps a voice."

'Oh god, please don't do this to me. Please don't let this be a lie. No more false hopes. Please.' Jack studied her face torn between disbelief and hope. He had to take the chance. If he didn't...

~~~

"This is Colonel Jack O'Neill, come in." Jack grabbed a pick and ran from the small wooden house toward the trench. 'Please, please, please come in!' Geran followed.

"O'Neill!"

"Teal'c! Where the hell are you?"

"Attempting to reach the surface. Little oxygen remains, O'Neill."

"I got you on RDF signal. I'm right on top of you!" Frantically, Jack tore at the surface of the earth. *Home*, he was going home! The pick hit the ground again and again with a satisfying thud, its ring echoed by the youth. A flash of skirts caught the corner of his eye.

Lera.

Torn, he stopped. He could go forward or he could go back. He could have the past or he could have the future. He could have a hope of a life with Daniel one day or he could have Lera now. There was no way to soften the blow. 'I'm sorry.'

Lera saw the apology and knew she had lost. With quiet grace she turned back to the village to tell them their families were coming home.

At her slight nod, Jack resumed digging. Seconds later, he broke through to the cavern, Teal'c's dusty, dirty face one the happiest sights he'd had the pleasure of seeing in a long time. "Teal'c! You are one stubborn son of a bitch." They had come back for him! They hadn't forgotten!

~~~

'I'm going home!' That phrase repeated in his head over and over as the day wore on. Through pulling Teal'c from the cavern's depths, nearly dead on his feet. Through the happy rejoicing of the villagers as they helped dig out the Gate the next day. Through the laughter and the tears as the first of the families began to come home. Actually believing it the moment Sam and Daniel walked through the Gate themselves. He was going HOME!

Grabbing each one of them, he pulled them into a bear hug. Felt good. Felt right. His people. His team. Daniel.

"So when the third MALP sent back just a few seconds of telemetry, we knew the gate was horizon...tal." Sam was gabbing away, but all Jack heard was 'I'm going home!'. Then his eyes fell on *her*; Lera.

Lera stood a few feet away from the team. Her duties complete, now, she fortified herself waiting for the inevitable, now came the time for goodbyes.

Cut off in the middle of her sentence, Sam turned to Daniel. "Is he all right?"

"He's fine. I just don't think he was expecting to go home again." Daniel fought against the tide of joy threatening to spill out into pure, primal screams. It was a strain to keep all that emotion in every time he looked at Jack. 'Jack was alive.' And at this moment, that's all that mattered. A huge grin broke out as he turned away giving Jack as much space as possible to say goodbye. Jack was coming home.

A small, sad smile hovered at Lera's lips. "You must be very happy to be going home."

"No, I'm not." There was a decision to be made. Go home to chance, or stay here and have half of what he wanted.

"You don't have to." Lera opened the doorway with her words. It didn't matter to her if Jack had someone waiting on the other side, she had to offer her heart as a balance.

"Come with me." If she came, was there a way to have both? Could he still have Daniel as his friend and Lera who loved him? Could he do that to her? Could he do that to himself?

"I belong here." Ah, not both. One or other. What's your choice, Jack? The gauntlet has been thrown.

"I'll come back...soon. We still have that treaty to talk about."

"Of course. Our two worlds are going to be friends. Close friends." One last time would she hold this man in her arms. One last time feel the warmth of his body. It would have to be enough. "Fair day. Be well."

Lera closed her eyes against the pain. This wasn't a battle she could win. The choice already made even though he hadn't known himself. His whole body glowed every time he had looked toward the young archaeologist. She had tried, but she wouldn't be enough. The ancestors had known what she did not, his heart lay elsewhere.

Her hands resting over her stomach, Lera watched as the team headed off toward the Gate. She may not have Jack, but at least the ancestors had allowed her to keep a piece of him. Eventually, she turned away. There was work to be done.

~~~

Jack was home. So why did that leave such a bad taste in his mouth? It didn't make any sense. Well, yeah, it was great to be back, but everything was 'off'. Daniel was avoiding him like the plague. Sam wouldn't stop talking his ear off and Teal'c...well Teal'c was Teal'c.

Chugging back a beer, Jack restlessly prowled his living room. 'Down time.' He didn't need anymore 'rest and relaxation.' He wanted to be out. Back with the team. Back chasing the bad guys across the universe. He wanted things back to normal.

'Okay, Jack. Why don't you just admit it. You just want to be near Daniel.'

Yeah, that was the problem. He couldn't get Daniel to sit still for five minutes. Every time he entered a room at the SGC, Daniel found something fascinating elsewhere or suddenly had to be somewhere else. A thought occurred to Jack...'Did Daniel know and was he embarrassed'? The shock sent him into a chair. Daniel couldn't know, could he?

The last of his beer disappeared in one gulp. 'Damn, what am I goin' to do. Shoulda just stayed on Eudora, went into retirement.' He could have had a good life there. Free to be with someone without complications, without remorse, without backlash. What was the use of coming home if he lost everything in the process? God, this was such a mess.

The night closed in darker and even more ominous, pressing down, weighting itself. Jack was a man defeated. The answers weren't to be found in the bottom of his beer bottle, but that didn't stop him from trying. Several times until the refrigerator reflected back its empty shelves. The last drop swirling around in the amber bottle waiting to be consumed. No magical potion to chase away the blues and no sudden solutions to his problem.

~~~

A knock on the door silenced his foul mood for the moment. Jack climbed out of chair, none to steady on his feet, and weaved his way to front.

"Who is it?"

"Colonel, I'd like to have a word with you."

"General Hammond!?" Jack jerked the door open. He couldn't have been more surprised if the tooth fairy was standing there. Bleary, he glanced at the clock. It was two in the morning!

"Can I come in?"

"Uh, sure. What can I do for you, sir?"

"We have a problem and I need your help."

~~~

Part Two-Come the First Touch of Frost

~~~

Oh to hold the seeds within your hands,  
Only to watch it slip,  
Fall headlong, tumbling into the abyss.  
The more you try, the worse it gets,  
A sharp blade knife with an edge so keen,  
That nothing can survive on the mean.

A reflection of shadow and light  
It's such a sweet poison, is it not?  
A balance played in the halls,  
Turning and turning on the catwalk  
Thrust between the bitter fruits of deceit.  
With barely moments left to reap.

For comes the cool breeze of Fall  
Leaving behind the Summer sun,  
To don the cloak of Winter,  
Protecting both Death and Birth as one.  
And with its icy breath rattling the panes  
Hang the sickles from the eves.

Both beauteous ornaments  
And dangerous weapons of war  
This not so gentle sleep  
Callus wind that shelters those who weep  
Beauty and Beast,  
An emptiness delicately bittersweet.

From here will the tide shift,  
Try to reclaim a little of the self  
By an relentless choice made  
In the fog of a colourless world  
Not easily counted black or white  
But imbued in a hundred shades of grey.

A trick of believing  
That concrete we could make  
Among the shadows of this bleak landscape  
Ignore the haunting songs  
Which have been sought for so long.  
Only to find that we have failed.

And come the first touch of frost  
Taste the fear, the want, and the need.  
As it streamed from every pore.  
Left over by betrayal and pain,  
Fall unnoticed the tears.

And in parting the stilled waters, wait.

\--Rae, 5 Jun 2000

~~~

"You know what, forget it." Jack placed his hands on the desk and stood up.

Concerned, Daniel turned, "Jack?" What is he doing?

Jack strode forward, toward the dais where the High Councillor of Tolana calmly regarded SG-1 over her nose. "We knew you wouldn't give us anything. We're wasting a lot of time here." And with a sneer, he stalked off for the Gate.

"Jack!" Confused now, Daniel had no idea what to do. Sam wasn't much help; she was as much in the dark as he was. Teal'c was left with little to do but follow after a respectful nod to High Councillor Travell.

"No, Daniel. Lets. Go."

"Uh...wha...what are you doing?" Jack was not acting like himself. He hadn't since he came back from Eudora. First it was depression. And Daniel had tried to cheer Jack up, even going over to his house a couple of times. But the sad, lost look in his eyes made it too painful after a few days. As if Jack was in mourning. Everything Daniel did made Jack mad. So it was either get his head bit off or avoid him altogether. So with the exception of prepping the Jack for the political protocol for this mission, he had been avoiding him like the plague. Jack would eventually calm down, he always did.

But this…it was different. An anger and a disrespect that Daniel just didn't understand. Sarcasm, Daniel understood. 'What the hell happened on that planet?'

"We never should have saved their technologically superior butts." Jack snarled to himself, the team following him out of habit. Irritated beyond Daniel's comprehension. Jack stopped, obviously enamoured with a lighted rectangle on the wall, the gang nearly running into him. " This is that thing they disabled our weapons with, isn't it?"

'Oh god, what was going on in his mind now?'

Before Sam or Daniel could say a word, Teal'c agreed cautiously. "As well as the Gou'ald technology."

"Don't even think about it." Daniel put his hand on Jack's arm only to have it tossed off like so much garbage. 'Oh fuck! He is.'

Sam jumped in, desperate herself. "Sir, isn't this against regulations?" The Colonel didn't just go against regs like this; not unless there was something extremely important at stake. And Sam was damn sure this was one of those times.

But Jack didn't stop. He pulled at the panel until he had freed the palm-sized cylinder. "I suppose it is, Carter. Let's go." With barely batting an eyelash, Jack continued down the corridor.

"Kinda crossing the line here...," Daniel attempted one more time to talk sense into Jack. This incident *would* kill all relations between their two planets. Not to mention what Jack could be thinking.

"Shut up, Daniel."

The plunge into chaos had only begun.

~~~

'Damn him! Damn him to hell!' In a burst of hurt and anger, Daniel sent the contents of his desk flying across the room. "Who in the fuck does he think he is? I worked on that plan for almost two solid weeks only to have Jack destroy everything in two seconds."

"Daniel?" Sam hesitated at the door. Nervously, she smiled.

"WHAT!" His eyes ablaze, he turned on Sam, stalking closer ready to slam the door in her face.

"Um, I'm sorry. I know you've been working like a demon on this treaty. Feel like talking about it?" She leaned against the door frame, taking her cues from Daniel. They already had one madman on the lose. Somehow, the breach between Daniel and Jack was at the root of the team's recent problems. They didn't click anymore. And Sam had no idea how to 'fix' it.

Yeah, he did need a friend right now, but the one he wanted no longer acted like one. He was some sort of pod person pretending to be Jack. "Not exactly, Sam." The anger bled out as fast as it had erupted. Daniel walked back to his desk and flopped into his chair, the urge to smack his head against the wall overwhelming. 'At least the death would be cleaner.'

"I don't think taking it out on your office is going to help." She offered, trying to lighten the mood.

"Well it made me fell a hell of a lot better."

"Do you have any idea what's going on with the Colonel?"

"No. Not a damn thing." He sighed, dropping his head to his desk.

"Nothing? Not a clue?"

"No, Sam. If I did I wouldn't be..." He waved his hand at the room.

"Throwing a temper tantrum?"

"Just drop it Sam. He'll come around." With an added 'I hope' muttered under his breath.

"Five minutes, Daniel. That's all I'm asking. Would you just TALK to him! Find out what's going on!

"I've already tried. He blew me off! Several times. And now this! Damn, I don't know what to think."

"You're his best friend Daniel. And you better talk to him soon, before he takes us all down with HIM!" She threw her hands up in the air and flounced off, completely missed it when all the colour leaching from Daniel's face.

'Oh no.' Daniel shook his head. Jack might have a personal Code of Honour that conflicted with the SGC and the General on occasion, but betray his country? Daniel couldn't even wrap his mind around that one. It went against everything that made Jack who he was. Something was just wrong and as soon as they found out what it was…Jack would be his old self again. His hands shaking, he tried to pick the papers up off the floor but gave up as the doubts started to creep in.

"Daniel? What was that all about?" Jack demanded, an avenging angle ready to do battle.

Startled, Daniel skittered across the floor, a flush creeping up from his neck.

"N...N..Nothing, Jack. Just..ah...minor disagreement."

"Over what?" Jack sneered. "You don't like the way I solved our problem?"

"No, Jack. No I don't. I don't understand any of this! This isn't you!"

"Well meet the new me, Daniel!"

Stunned, Daniel had nothing left to say. "I've got to go. The General is expecting us." Daniel shook his head in shame, leaving Jack were he was.

If Daniel had only stopped and looked back, he would have seen how much Jack had regretted his words. But it was a hidden sorrow. A pain so sharp, that it lurked on the surface of his muddied orbs. One that couldn't be shared no matter how deep the chasm went. 'I hope you can forgive me one day, Daniel.' His mask slipping back into place, Jack headed off to join the rest of SG-1 for debriefing.

Loyalty to one over the lives of the many; it wasn't really much of a choice, was it?

~~~

There are times in life when the whole world boils down to one second, one tiny little blip on the clock. When you can't breath, can't think, can't move for fear of upsetting the balance. Sweat pools on every available surface and you find yourself wiping your hands on your jeans, trying vainly to dry them off. Yet everything you have done rests on what you do next. Your mouth becomes dry, all moisture having laden onto your skin. The second extends out, focusing every sense, every thought onto that one instance, waiting for the answer. Breathing is rapid and shallow. The moment is so strong you can taste the fear, breathe the excitement, literally every hair on your body reaches out dancing to the electricity in the air.

And there it sits until movement brushes against it, breaking the spell, moment complete. Nothing which you can compare to the pause in infinity when time stopped and whispered mockingly in your ear…..'That was the one'.

Lost to the fallen. Yet your heart surges, racing for destinations unknown. Asking for a hope against all hope that there will come a day when time stops again, and you'll have that one second back. Your eyes dilate, leaving nothing but black iris where brown orbs used to be. Felt the break begin. And you can't do anything but think about the consequences of what you just did.

This was one of those moments.

~~~

Part Three - I Come By Way of Iago

Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue,  
Thought I heard you talking softly,  
I turned on the lights, the TV and the radio,  
Still I can't escape the ghost of you.  
What has happened to it all?  
Crazy some'd say,  
Where is the life that I recognize?  
Gone away.  
\-- Ordinary World, Duran Duran 

Jack couldn't sleep. It was impossible. Tossing and turning in the dimly lit room, he struggled to find a comfortable position on his bed. A horrible quiet invaded, taunting him in the silence. He had tried falling asleep to the radio and the television, but the noise did little to drown out the hollow emptiness, the lack of human companionship.

The room was as still and heavy as a tropical jungle. So Jack turned down the thermostat, only to have an internal cold burn deep within. And if he wasn't wrestling with the temperature, it was his mind he couldn't turn off. He would fall into short fitful naps with demons trailing him as he woke from Morpheus' domain. Jack started sleeping with the lights on.

Without them, the events of the last two weeks paraded across the ceiling like some macabre ritual. Little shadow puppets dancing on an morbid screen with the light of moon, their grins reflecting betrayal, need, and pain, jerking at each word spoken by their master, falling broken on the floor. Eerily reminiscent of the days right after Charlie died. His mind providing callous entertainment, turning into a mocking Gamekeeper, replaying the same scene over and over again, but this time the ending never changed. It was always the same.

Sighing, Jack rolled over on his back, tossing an arm over his eyes. The words...the images still invaded. Just the intensity that was muted enough to allow him to pass out for a few hours. The jerks outside thought he was bored, constantly pacing the house at all hours, but it was so much more. At least it worked in his favour.

Here, hidden in his own personal prison, there were no distractions from the shadows. No friendly companionship in which to while away the midnight hours before the call came down to move. No enemy to track for movement, nothing but him and his memories. This was the reason he'd left SpecOps; too many ghosts that held him within their thrall.

A man could only do so much in the name of serving of his country and come out sane, alive. Nightmare piled on top of nightmare, for weeks at a time. Months where he couldn't go without hearing the screams of the dying, or feeling the branding touch of his tormentors. Days when he woke up shivering, sweat coating every surface of his body. His own screams locked tight in his throat, terrified.

No warm body to huddle into to offer comfort from the night terrors; just the cold, mocking silence, or the stifling, oppressive heat. How much longer did he have to wait? Because he didn't think he could take much more of this not so empty quiet. He'd already lost so much in the name of duty, honour, and sacrifice.

He'd lost his son, his wife, and now was perilously close to losing Daniel. He hated seeing the disappointment in his eyes. Respect leeching into self-hatred. The wound quickly covered as Daniel tried to retain his pride. The whole time sitting there as if nothing Jack said cut him to the quick, anger growing unchecked. As if saying those words weren't ripping apart the most important thing in his life. Trying to cauterize the bleeding so that it didn't seep outside. Just calmly drinking a beer as if it was normal on a Sunday afternoon to slap Daniel across the face and not care in the least.

After all was said and done, would Daniel be able to forgive him? Would he understand he did what he had to do before Earth lost everything? God...Could Jack forgive himself? Daniel had been the key all along, the key, which would open the gateway.

'Shut up, Daniel.' See how little I care what you say? See how much your opinions mean to me, Daniel? Step one.

'They won't retaliate if that's what you are worried about. Not. Their. Way. Right, Daniel?' Mocking, belittling. God, the look on Daniel's face. Part agony, part betrayal. Step two.

'Stuff that interests people like you, Daniel. Not people like me.' Yes, what do we have in common? Nothing, you are just a civilian, worthless. You could never understand. Step three.

And the coup de grace.

'Come on, you're a bright guy. You had to sense some of this..." Mocking challenge. "Then no. I guess you couldn't relate to me anymore than I could to you.'

'So this whole...ah...friendship thing we've been working on the last few years....'

'Apparently not much of foundation there, huh?' Take a sip of beer. Hard. Cold. Heartless. Good-bye, Daniel. Have a nice day. Step four.

Break complete. Hello Ghost of Christmas Future. Oh Auntie Em.....

If Jack couldn't fix it when this whole charade was all over, he probably would retire for real. He was getting too old to play these games. What would be the point of staying? He didn't have the stomach for it anymore. The price was getting too high to pay. He just wanted the whole thing done and over with.

Giving up on trying to sleep, Jack rose from the bed. His hair all tousled, and his T-shirt wrinkled and worn, he wandered out toward the living room. He was tired of trying to sleep with his demons. Time to sleep with the enemy instead. Pausing by the front door, he glanced out the window. Yep, still under surveillance. One standard blue issue sedan sat on the corner. Jack had an urge to laugh. Enough was enough. He picked up the business card lying on the table by the door.

'Come on, Maybourne. Lets dance.'

~~~

'Show time.'

Disgusted, Jack threw the magazine down and looked up at the slug currently gracing his porch. It was bad enough that he had to talk to Maybourne, he didn't have to wait around forever for him to get to the point. These last two weeks, had been hell, and he had a suspicion that it wasn't over yet.

The music from the CD player switched to a new track, Leoncavallo's 'Tears of a Clown' just as Maybourne had driven up. It seemed fitting music. Just enough noise to overwhelm the bugs and an apt description of his situation.

//I no longer know

What I'm saying or doing!//

'Ain't that the truth.'

//And yet...I must...force yourself!// Hey! Forcing is what got me into this trouble in the first place.

//Put on your costume.

And powder your face//

'Speaking of costumes, the Devil picked a real ugly one this time.'

"Are you ready to go?"

'Been ready for two weeks. Can't I just skip this part?'

"Can't tell you much."

//The audience pays

And wants to laugh.//

'Ah....now you tell me!'

"Are you interested in my offer or not?"

'Maybourne just shut up and take the bait already will you?'

//Turn into jest

Your anguish and your sorrow//

"Yeah, I'll go. If you'll just stop with the melodrama already." Ooooh....got a rise that time. Two points for O'Neill.

//Laugh, clown,

At your broken love,

Laugh at the pain

Which poisons your heart.//

'Yeah, laugh all the way to the bank. Somehow, it didn't surprise me, didn't surprise me at all to see Maybourne standing at my door. Sneaky bastard is up to it hip deep. One good thing coming out of all of this Maybourne, you are going down. If it's the last thing I do.'

~~~

One quick plane ride later, complete with an offer still on the table to disappear, Jack appeared at the General's door requesting to retire off-world. For once, he was glad for the rumour mill in the SGC. His parting words to Lera had spread like wildfire. And took quite a bit of ribbing from the guys when he got back about having a girlfriend on every world. Right now, it just gave him effective cover to join the rouge team and at the same time cover his ass.

This was the hard part. Saying good-bye when he didn't mean it. His team commanded by someone else. His friends, no longer *his* friends. He walked up the ramp, his duffle bag slung over his shoulder pausing only once when the General spoke. The only person missing, Daniel. 'Played the game too well this time, didn't I? You should have been here Daniel. Closure and all.'

~~~

With his hands tucked into his pockets, Daniel stood quietly off to the side in the control room watching as the Gate opened. Sam, the General, and Teal'c all stood respectfully at the foot of the ramp, saluting Jack as he left. He watched Jack pause on the ramp, his back stiff as if he was expecting something or someone.

'I'm not coming, Jack. I can't do it. Can't say good-bye.'

As if Jack had heard his words, he sighed once, then strode across the pulsing event horizon. Time to earn all those big bucks Uncle Sam paid him.

~~~

Part Four - Pride

Passion or coincidence once prompted you to stay  
Pride will tear us both apart  
Well now pride's gone across the rooftop run away  
Left me in the vacuum of my heart.

What is happening to me?  
Crazy some'd say.  
Where is my friend when I need you most?  
Gone away.  
\--Ordinary World, Duran Duran 

"We...ah...we drew straws." Daniel shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "I lost." The little quip felt good. Getting a piece of his own. He wondered how long it would take Jack to figure it out. And Sam and Teal'c had played along. Priceless, fucking priceless. He turned the corner and chuckling fell against the wall.

Sam copied Daniel's retreat, hastily scampering away before the Colonel could trap her into admitting it was a joke. It was an empty victory since the Colonel didn't know he was being played like a fiddle, but still, the momentary thrill, small as it was, at pulling the wool over the Colonel's eyes. She nearly laughed out loud, slapping a hand over her mouth before she gave the game away. As she rounded the bend she found Daniel leaning against the wall trying his best to hold his own mirth in. "Good luck." She whispered on her way past.

Teal'c paused before the Colonel. 'This must be what is known as payback. Most pleasant.' Teal'c barely inclined his head at Jack before he followed his teammates. A little half-smile teasing at the corner of his mouth, his hands behind his back, Teal'c majestically made his way down the corridor.

Jack shook his head. Something funny was going on here. "Daniel! Hey, guys wait up! You don't mean that. Guys!" Jack chased after his scattering personnel.

Laughter was his answer.

"You are dead meat, Daniel." Jack stalked the still snickering Archaeologist.

"It was a joke, Jack. Just a joke." Tossing his hands up in the air in defence, Jack let him off the hook. "But you should have seen your face." Daniel looked up into too bright eyes.

"I guess I deserved that."

"Yeah, you did." Daniel punched him on the shoulder.

Uncomfortable with where this conversation was leading, Jack changed the subject. "Hey, where did....?"

"Sam has some work to finish up and Teal'c was preparing for Bre'tak's arrival just before you came back."

"Bre'tak's coming here?"

"Yeah. We are on Stand Down for the next two weeks. Forced vacation." Daniel grimaced. What the in hell was he going to do for two weeks?

"So why are you still at the SGC?"

"Just finishing up some reports. Then I have no idea. What about you?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, you, oh fearless leader of SG1. You're on Stand Down too."

"Hadn't thought about that." Jack chuckled. "Think I might head up to this great fishing spot I know in Washington State."

"Oh." Daniel studied his fingernails. "Well, I've got work to do."

"Hey, Daniel?"

"Yeah?"

"Want to come over tonight and watch the hockey game?"

"Does this mean we are officially working on the 'friendship thing'?"

"Yeah." Jack kinda smiled.

"Good. Because I'd hate to 'misunderstand' you." Smirking, Daniel closed the door to his office. Leaning his head against cold, metallic surface, he heard Jack's snort. The strain of the last couple of weeks descended with a vengeance. None of it was real. Just pretend. Jack playing the hero. Again.

The strange relief he felt in finding some sort of explanation was overshadowed by the fact that Jack could and would willingly discard the team, him, 'for the greater good'. And that hurt. The foundation might be fine, but what 'was' it based on?

~~~

A barely heard knock registered at the back of Jack's mind. He'd fallen asleep on the sofa waiting for Daniel to show up. He struggled to open his eyes. The TV continued to drone on, the hockey game long over. Some 'sports wrap-up' was on. There it was again. A soft tapping. He pushed himself out of the warm, comfortable chair to answer the door. Whoever it was better have a good reason for stopping by at, Jack glanced at his watch, 11 p.m.

"Daniel!"

"Hey, Jack. I, um, saw the lights. Didn't mean to wake you."

"Nah, It's okay. You wanna come in?"

"Uh, no thanks. I'll only be a minute. I wanted to apologise for not coming by tonight and say good-bye."

"Good-bye? Is something wrong?"

"No, it's nothing like that." Daniel nervously shifted his feet. "I'm going to Abydos for a few weeks. Sam's going to be with her dad. Teal'c'll be on a Jaffa retreat and you're heading off to the mountains. So, I thought maybe going home for while would be nice."

"Oh." Jack looked crestfallen.

"What?"

"Nothing." Jack waved his hand in the air. "You sure you don't want to come in for some coffee or something?"

"No, they're expecting me in about half an hour."

"Daniel, look about what I said..."

"Don't sweat it. Comes with the territory. Right?"

"Why didn't you come by tonight?"

"I had some thinking to do."

"And...?"

"And nothing."

"Look, I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I'm sorry too, Jack." Daniel quietly walked away.

~~~

The brisk wind of the desert greeted Daniel as he walked out of the pyramid. It felt good. Really good. Unspoiled. Cleansing. Normal. Known. Safe.

"Dan'iel!"

"Skaara!" The young man hurled himself down the dunes, racing for Daniel as soon as he spotted him.

Daniel grabbed the youth, hugging him tight. He looked happy, well on his way back to being the young man he'd known while married to Sha're. "How are you?" He held the young man by his shoulders, inspecting him. He didn't seem to be suffering from any ill effects of his ordeal, but his eyes held too much knowledge. He was older and much wiser before his time. But Daniel couldn't help smiling.

Grinning with insufferable pleasure, Skaara grabbed Daniel again, pulling close. "I am well, Dan'iel." Skaara glanced around. "Where is O'Neill?"

The tightness that had started to ease in his chest returned. "Jack's back at the base. Just me this time, I'm afraid."

"Come! Kasuf will want to see you. We shall have a feast!" The young man's enthusiasm was infectious. "It is good to have you here, Dan'iel Jackson." A sad look flitted over his face, barely noticeable before it was gone.

"It's good to be home, Skaara."

~~~

The day went pretty much as expected. Kasuf pounded him on the back, turned everything into a three-ring circus by throwing a huge party for his son-in-law. There was music, dancing, and drinking. Lots of drinking. Daniel smiled at the memory of Kasuf drinking his warriors under the table. A hand tugged him along, keeping him going in the right direction.

"Skaara, slow down. I'm going to fall on my face." All night, he had managed to keep the cold at bay. Just enjoying the moment. It had worked for a while. Now though, faced with the prospect of four walls, Daniel wasn't in any real hurry to reach his room.

"If you were drunk, I might worry, but you are not."

"You've been spending too much time with Jack again."

Skaara snorted. "Why aren't you with O'Neill?"

"Long story."

The young man stood in the moonlight, his face a mixture of youthful rebellion and concern. "Explain."

"Skaara, please. I don't want to discuss it, okay? Jack's fishing. He didn't want me there. End of story."

"I think there is more than you are telling me Dan'iel."

Leaving Skaara standing at the door, Daniel entered his chambers. He went straight to the refresher, intent on concentrating on the normal. Distracting himself from thoughts of Jack and how everything was all out of whack now. Daniel entered his bedroom to find his pallet occupied. He shook his head at his 'guest'.

"Not again."

"You wound me, Dan'iel." His companion laughed.

"I think there is something seriously wrong with the people on this planet." Daniel joined in.

"Why did you come here?" His companion rolled over, skin oiled and gleaming copper in the evening fire.

"Why?"

"Yes. What is it you seek?"

"Peace."

"Have you found it?"

"Why are you here?"

Shrug of the shoulders. "Because you have something I want."

"And in the morning?"

"I will be gone."

"So this means nothing?"

Mocking grin. "You should go back to Earth, Dan'iel. You won't find your peace here."

"Why not?"

Another shrug. "Because you are looking in the wrong place?" Small laugh.

"I don't know. Maybe it's not there either."

"Then it cannot be found."

"And what do you want?"

"Silence." With that, Daniel was pulled down onto the bed, his robes puddling at his feet in one swift move.

What did it matter? Since when did it matter that desire has a name? It didn't. Not really. Just a warm, willing body intent on pleasure, on satisfying this hunger that had no name, no face, no real source. Listen to the words of the moment, surrendering all thought as he sank onto waiting flesh. The sound of moans filled the air. His own? Another's? Unknown. Nor did he care, so long as he could lose himself in the now. Forget. Not be himself.

Daniel reached for the body writhing beneath him. And that's all it was, a body. No shape or form, simply sweat, and musk, and the rising scent of a desert morn that he buried himself in. Someone to get lost in. Someone other than himself. The soft, silky feel of lips on his own, questing, plundering, begging with the softest of touches. Hands soothing as they often as they raked and bruised. A torture and pleasure both.

Hardened muscle rippled under his skin, quivering, as a hand ghosted lower and lower. Pausing only long enough dig deep into his chest, palms barely touching his nipples. Enough so that Daniel overcame any residual pain to arch into the concave crevices seeking firmer contact. It wasn't enough. Not nearly enough to satisfy. And then inching further down, scratching, caressing before finally enclosing his length in a knowing hand.

A hand that teased, taunted. Promised. Slick with oil. Yet still Daniel hungered after that touch. Giving himself over to this person that demanded his acquiescence. Not caring anymore. Just wanting completion and the promise of languid, dreamless sleep that went with it.

Heat surrounded him. Tight, enveloping. Stealing the last of his reason. He fell into the rhythm as old as time itself, rocking, pushing and pulsating. Hard and fast, slow and shallow. Long smooth strokes as the time seemed right, to the strong, fast slip and slide when frustration began to take hold of his partner.

Twin cries rent the small space as they both tumbled into the abyss. Panting, Daniel rolled over onto his back, trying to catch his breath, one hand resting on his companion's stomach. Moments later, he found himself pushed into the thick bedding, a firm young body perched atop his thighs. Dark brown eyes demanded in the dim light, long black hair brushed against Daniel's chest.

"You deserve more."

"Does it really matter?"

"Yes."

"Why? Why does it matter so much."

"I would see you happy. It's what Sha're would have wanted."

"You can't always have what you want."

"But you can try."

"What if I'm tired of trying?"

"Then why do you keep looking?"

"This conversation is going nowhere." Daniel pushed his unresisting bedmate off and picked up his robes.

"What are you running from, Dan'iel?"

"Nothing. I'm not 'running' from anything."

"Then why are you here?"

That was a good question, wasn't it? Daniel already knew that what he wanted and what he was looking for, but they weren't here. He'd hoped for some peace, but even these people could see the pain that lurked beneath the surface, just waiting to spring out. Kasuf's regard over the campfire with deep concern in his eyes. The warriors filled his ears with their tales, to distract him. The women offered food, drink, and gentle touches at every opportunity. Skaara making him laugh all night and now this.

"I think I should go back."

"Dan'iel..." Those dark, brooding eyes bored into his soul one last time.

"Yes?"

"You will always be welcome here."

"But..." There was always a 'but'. Ironic. Even halfway across the Universe there was a 'but'.

A hand fell over his heart. "This is no longer your home. In here. Go *home*." Taking the smaller hand into his own, Daniel caressed the palm.

"I don't know where that is anymore."

"Then you must find it." Gently pulling his hand free, Skaara left, leaving Daniel to pack. After all, he was right. There really wasn't a reason to stay.

The End


End file.
